if Only
by kena-san
Summary: Dearka is aboard the archangel, but when a certain blue haired pilot comes aboard, how will he feel? AthrunxDearka,First Yaoi story Suck at summaries...
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED**

In Dearka's PoV

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**_If Only..._****

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I stood next to Miriallia still in my pilot suit. It was true I had left ZAFT, but I couldn't let her be unprotected. I stared at the two gundams, as the two pilots descended towards the ground. My hair rustled in the strange breeze and I noticed one of them wore a ZAFT suit just like mine. Was it possible that I knew the person?

Miriallia glanced up at me. "Dearka?" She said. "Hey, Dearka anyone home?" She repeated.

I shook my head retreating from my thoughts. "Huh?" I looked down into her crystal blue eyes briefly before my gaze wandered back to the pilots.

"You seemed to be out of it, Arka is everything alright?" She called me the nickname she thought was cute. In reality it was the one Athrun had called me to get on my nerves.

I smiled slightly, "Ya Mirr, everything's fine." I scowled quietly,'_no one calls me that but Athrun Zala.' _The thought had crept into my mind with out me really noticing.

The pilot stood across from the other, a good distance away. His gloved hands took off his helmet, green eyes staring at the other. Blue shoulder length hair wisped around his face making me gasp in surprise. "Athrun!" I said a little too loudly, getting weird looks from many of the crew of the Archangel. I shut up right away and stared intently at the boy.

"Kira!" I could hear his voice from where I stood. '_Who was Kira?'_ I thought in awe, staring at the young boy who was once my commanding officer. I ran my fingers through my blonde hair with a sigh, there was going to be a huge questioning by Athrun, I knew it. He'd want to know why I was with the legged ship that we'd tried to take down many times before. "Kira Yamato, tell me in your own words why you're fighting with them!" He pointed to the group of people I was in.

I kept quiet, wanting to hear the rest of the conversation; that is until a blonde girl, who I presumed was Cagalli Yula Atha, ran towards them. I personally thought it was odd, but maybe they knew each other. I looked away as she hugged the two, for some reason not wanting to see Athrun in her embrace. '_It would be far much better if he were in mine.' _I stopped and gasped, '_what am I thinking? I don't like Athrun like that, that's just silly.' _I told myself shaking my head.

"Hey you two, this is no way to greet each other." I heard the girls voice say in a unusually perky tone. I glanced up and Athrun had a look on his face, it was one indicating he had deep feelings for her.

"Cagalli." He had said quietly and full of love, making my heart pump faster, '_it was true he loved her! ' _I turned and stared towards the Archangel not wanting to be here, I had a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, and I had to figure out what was happening. Since when did I like males? **_You liked Yzak. _**A voice in my head reminded me. I shook my head and walked faster.

"Arka!" Mirr shouted to me when she realised I was gone from her side. I stopped and turned, seeing Athrun now staring straight at me.

"Shit." I muttered turning around and sprinting towards the legged ship. "Mirr, leave me alone!" I shouted at her.

"Arka." She stopped staring at me as I looked back. "Arka, what's wrong with you?" She asked in a yell. She tried to approach me, but I swatter her away.

"I don't feel to well, I think I'm coming down with something." I lied to the sweet girl who had become very close and dear to me and until Athrun showed up, loved.

She stared at me funny obviously knowing it was practically impossible for a coordinator like myself to catch something. She looked hurt, but covered it up. "Yes, of course, you should get plenty of bed rest then Arka." She beamed up at me, making me feel sick. I nodded and faked a smile. "Promise, you'll get bed rest?" She asked me.

I nodded. "Promise." I turned and headed back towards the ship, my mind a swirling vortex of befuddlement.

I heard Athrun call my name but, I didn't turn back I just ran. I could feel the eyes of everyone else on me. **_You liked Yzak. _**The voice reminded me in its taunting tone. '_But Yzak was different, he was my best friend, that kiss we had meant nothing! ' **Really, nothing at all? You have no feelings for him? It was you who kissed him, and yet he didn't kiss back.** 'But-' _I said nothing more as I walked into my room, the captain of the ship had given me. I couldn't reply to that, I couldn't argue with the truth. I collapsed on my bed and closed my violet eyes tightly. "I'm not gay." I whispered into the room covering my head with the pillow.

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"Athrun?" Cagalli's voice echoed in his head. "Did you know that guy?" She asked quietly.

He smiled slightly and looked to Kira. "He's a friend of mine." He looked around quietly. "His name's Dearka Elsmen pilot of the Buster mobile suit." His green eyes stared at where the boy had left to. '_Why was he acting so strange? It's not like Dearka to run off like that. The last time I saw that look on his face was when I caught Yzak and him making out in their room. '_

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I sat up and looked around. "What time is it?" I murmured realizing I drifted off. Standing up from the bed I walked over to a clock on the small dresser in the room. Seeing that I had only been asleep for two hours. I yawned and walked out of the room wearing the red jacket I had been given to wear. Upon walking out of my room I had ran smack into someone making me topple to the ground. I sat there for a moment, in a daze.

"Hey Arka, are you okay?" A familiar voice asked. I looked up, my violet eyes staring into the emerald eyes of my heart's desire. I stared dumbly for a minute.

"Uhh Zala, yes I'm fine." I glanced away quickly no longer able to stare into his questioning gaze, I knew he saw the longing in my eyes.

He held out a hand to help me up. "Well then Arka, let me help you up." He had a smile on his face, oh how I hated his stupidity. He kept helping me like nothing was wrong; maybe he didn't know that I wanted to take his lips in mine.

I grumbled something and stood up pushing his hand away. "No thanks, Zala." I hissed through my teeth and started to walk away.

"Why are you on the Archangel?" He blurted out, as I had gotten closer towards my destination. I was going to hide out in the Buster for a while but I guess he was going to try and interrogate me.

"I was taken prisoner." I stated bluntly, not looking back at the blue haired boy. "They had me surrounded so I surrendered."

I heard nothing from Athrun for a few moments. "I see, but why do you remain here? You are no longer a prisoner as you walk around the ship."

I sighed. "I'm protecting someone dear to me." I turned to face him. "Athrun, why didn't you attack the legged ship and why are you now aboard this vessel?"

"The exact same reason as you." He said looking me in the eyes.

"I bet I know who this person is." I said walking back towards him and stopping not far away. "She has three names, Cagalli Yula Attha. Am I correct Zala?"

He sighed and stared at me. I stopped once again, caught in the green orbs. I stared into them waiting for a answer. "No it's not Cagalli, it's someone else." He turned his head breaking eye contact with me I sighed. "Arka?"

I paused. "Yes Athrun?" I tilted my head in confusion. "What is it?"

"You didn't call me Zala." He said with a little smile. "Just wanted you to know, Yzak is alright, I know you two were...well." His voice trailed off, and it was my turn to smile.

"No it was nothing, I honest and truly have no feeling for him, its someone else I have feelings for."

He raised an eyebrow. "Elsmen, do I know this person?" He seemed curious and I found it odd that he was asking. I folded my arms across my chest and looked at him as if meaning to say 'Of course'. "Arka," He turned. "Is it me?" I stopped eyes wide, how had he figured it out? I backed up and turned away.

"Zala, I, err, I gotta go." I said and started to run off. Until that is I felt a hand grasp my arm, I turned. "What do ya think you're doin-" I stopped realizing who it was.

I stared into Athrun's eyes once more. "Dearka, am I this person?" He asked again. I stared in his eyes and gulped.

"N-No Athrun it's-" I looked away, there was no way in hell I could lie while looking in his eyes. "No, it's not you." I said almost whimpering.

"Look at me then and tell me that." I turned my head and went to say it again as his lips brushed against mine. My eyes widened and I didn't say anything at first. I was too stunned to think.

"Wha? Zala, what's the meaning of this?" I asked him curiously. I felt his lips take mine more passionately as he roughly pushed me against the wall. My eyes were wide and I was confused. Didn't he love Cagalli?

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	2. Chapter 2

Thanks for the reviews and here is the long awaited chapter two. It's shorter then the last one, but I couldn't think of anymore and ideas would be great.

Oh! I almost forgot, I'd like to thank shadedrogue; she is my editor on this story. Any ways here's the story.

Disclaimer: I don't own Gundam Seed, if I did then why would I be writing up fanfictions here?

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_If Only..._

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"Wha… Zala what's the meaning of this?" I asked him curiously.

I felt his lips take mine passionately as he roughly pushed me against the wall.

My eyes were wide and I was confused. Didn't he love Cagalli?

I didn't protest; he was after all what I desired. I kissed him back, my arms wrapping around his body.

He pulled back for some air, pushing back the locks of blue hair that had fallen in his face. A strange look reflected in his emerald eyes.

"Zala, what the hell was that for?" I asked him raising an eyebrow.

He said nothing and sucked the bit of exposed skin on my neck allowing a small moan to escape my lips.

"Arka?"

I heard her crystal voice echo through the hall calling out for me. She was worried; I could tell from the tone in her voice. She wasn't too far away, within seconds of stumbling upon Athrun and me.

"Zala!" I hissed trying to pry him off of my neck. I failed in doing that, he just wouldn't let go. There was no way Miriallia would find out about this, not if I had anything to say about it. I couldn't let her get hurt, not after Tolle's death. "Zala!" I repeated, again no answer from him.

"Zala, Miriallia's coming, get the hell off me!" I yelled; he didn't listen, his hands finding their way to my jacket and undoing it slowly.

"Arka where are you, lo-"

She stopped dead in her tracks, body shaking; her face pale. Her ocean blue eyes widened at the scene before her.

"Arka-chan? Arka, why the hell is _he _hanging off your neck?" She asked softly, her voice quivering.

She hung her head already knowing the answer.

I couldn't look in her pained face any longer. "Miriallia..."

My gaze dropped to the ground. "I-I'm S-so sorry." I stuttered.

I didn't move, but Athrun's hands stroked across the fabric covering my member causing a soft moan to escape my lips, which was soon muffled as he pressed his lips to mine.

I closed my eyes tight; hearing a sob from her direction, but she was soon forgotten as Athrun forced his tongue into my mouth; it stroking mine. I returned the kiss roughly and my eyes opened only to be caught into his green once again.

Finally, I drew my tongue from his mouth and broke the kiss; a trail of saliva hanging from my tongue. I took in a deep breath of air and broke eye contact.

Her eyes were blurry; she was obviously frozen in spot unable to run away.

He traced his tongue down my jaw-line leaving a wet trail. "Arka-chan!" She screeched.

"Get the hell off of that coordinator!" She yelled louder.

I stopped._ Coordinator...how can she say that like its something wrong? But I am a coordinator just like Athrun._

I looked at her with a glare. She had said that like I had a choice in the matter, no way in hell would Athrun ever let me go now.

I kissed him lightly and smiled sweetly at him.

Athrun pushed me closer to the wall; my jacket falling to the ground leaving my chest exposed.

He planted kisses down my neck to my navel stopping and taking a nipple in his mouth. I moaned softly not wanting her to hear that I was actually enjoying this, but I doubt that worked.

Hearing another sob from her direction I stared guiltily at the ground. "Z-Zala?" I shut my eyes tight.

He looked up at me. "Hn?"

He tilted his head like the birdy he had given Kira. "What is it, Elsmen?"

He leaned forward closing up the space between us, his finger running up and down my muscled chest he closed in on my lips again. This time I did not return the kiss.

I heard her steps pounding as she started to run down the hall, this was obviously too much for her to handle. I tried with all my might to get Athrun off me but failed miserably. He was working on undoing the button of my pants but hesitated for a second after unbuttoning them, using that to my advantage I pushed him aside and chased after the fleeing girl.

"Mir!" I shouted. "Miriallia wait!"

"Go away!" She shouted back at me still running. "Just leave me alone." I jumped at her after getting close enough pinning her to the ground. "Dearka get off of me!"

She raised her free hand in the air, the sound of flesh hitting flesh echoing. My eyes widened and a hand went to my red cheek.

"Mir," I looked at her. "Stop acting like a baby."

I sighed, my legs on either side of her making it impossible for her to move.

"You said you wanted to protect me." Her voice was slightly cold. "Just like Tolle said, but Tolle's dead. He killed by him, the boy I just caught you making out with. You promised to protect me, Dearka Elsemen and here you are; you're the one who's hurting me." She glared and me, getting to her feet as I stood up.

"Mir, Mir, please wait." I yelled but she didn't stop. I stood there for a few minutes, not moving before giving a sigh. "Damn it!"

I felt two arms wrap around me softly.

"Since when have you loved Naturals?" He cooed in my ear.

I tried to push him away; I had to say sorry to Miriallia. "Athrun, not right now." I lowered my head.

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Please Read and review and again if you have any idea's for this story please tell me.

-kena


	3. Chapter 3

Thanks so much for all of the reviews, I hope this chapter will be longer then last. Sorry it took so long to update I'll try to update every week not month >. I should try to update more. Don't worry I will update Lunar promise, eventually. Anyways back to the story

Disclaimer: Gundam seed doesn't not belong to me, and it never will. But this story does belong to me so please no remakes of this.

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_If only..._

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_ "You said you wanted to protect me!" Her voice was slightly cold, "Just like Tolle said, but Tolle's dead. He was killed by him, the boy I just caught you making out with. You promised to protect me Dearka Elsmen and here you are; you're the one who's hurting me." She glared at me and getting to her feet as I stood up_

_Mir, Mir, please wait." I yelled but she didn't stop. I stood there for a few minutes, not moving before giving a sigh. "Damn it!"_

_I felt two arms wrap around me softly._

_Since when have you loved naturals?" He cooed in my ear._

_I tried to push him away; I has to say sorry to Miriallia. "Athrun, not right now." I lowered my head._

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Start of story: 

_No, I didn't! **But you did you betrayed the only person you really cared deeply for. **_I shook my head muttering 'no, no, it's not true.'

I can't believe I betrayed the one I stayed to protect. I sat on my bed, running my fingers through my unruly blond hair."Mir.."I mumbled. I stood up wearing the red Orb jacket that I had been given. The door opened when I walked towards it.

I made my way towards the hangar, maybe fixing up the Buster would make me relax, it could be time I could use to think. I could hear sobs, probably from Miriallia, I stood next to the door unmoving. It only mad me feel worse, how could I do that to the one I used to love? I shook my head, there was no way I could face her now.

I stayed a few more minutes listening to her, every tear she shed, made me feel like killing myself. I had stayed for her, but Athrun. I loved him more, I always had. But I never once thought about anything like I did now, back at the Vesalius. I made my way from the door, and towards the hangar.

The only sound in the quiet halls were those of my footsteps. I knew that if anyone passed, they'd see me sulking. I closed my eyes and gave a sigh. How could I choose between the two? There was Miriallia, someone I was risking my life for every time I fought for the Archangel. And then there was Athrun, the man who also betrayed Zaft. Who was someone I've known for a long time, someone I've loved secretly. I bumped into someone without noticing it, I fell to the ground. Glancing up my eyes locked with Amethyst, ones.

The brown haired coordinator who had once been a enemy stood above me, "Hi." I said quietly, "Kira right?" I asked. I'd only seen him a handful of times around the ship.

He nodded holding out a hand to help me up, the brunette didn't say anything as I took his hand. He pulled me up and turned. "You're Athrun's friend aren't you?"

I hesitated, _Athrun's friend? Wasn't I more now?_ "I guess that's what you would call me." He had walked away after that. I glanced back at the retreating boy, how did Athrun know him? My pace stayed the same as I entered the hangar. My eyes caught the Justice and Freedom, they belonged to Athrun and Kira. Why did the two of them get such amazing mobile suits while I still had the Buster. The Mobile suit I stole from Heliopolis. Shaking my head I grasped the elevator rope and let it slowly pull me to my cockpit.

A lot had happened since Helipolis, Nicol died, I was captured by the archangel, and Athrun now appearing at the Archangel.. What happened to our once amazing team? Where was Yzak? I was asking far to many questions, I concluded as I climbed into the cockpit. Flipping a switch the machine came alive, I rested my hands on the keyboard, as thoughts fled into my head from this confusing world I had gotten myself into.

"Oi Dearka?" Athrun's voice rang out, I ignored him as I worked on updating my machines Operating system. "Dearka, I know your up there."

I sighed, "What is it Athrun?" My voice faltered as I said his name. Just hearing his voice made my stomach feel like there were butterflies about. When I glanced up I saw his face close to mine.

"What happened to you yesterday?" He asked simply, "You looked guilty of something, did I do something wrong?"

I faked a smile, "You did nothing Zala." My fingers still typed and I turned my attention to the screen. "I did something to upset Miriallia."

"You love her don't you?"

"I-I.." My voice trailed off as he asked. "Athrun, Kira called me a-a friend have you told him about us?" I quickly changed the subject, I didn't know if what Athrun and I had meant more to me than Miriallia just yet.

"You're changing the subject." He said simply, those emerald eyes stared at me intently. I shuddered slightly.

"No I'm not." I made my hands skim the keys, as I began to type.

"Yes, you are."

I paused, feeling his warm breath on my face. "Athrun, C-could you back up?" I couldn't believe those words escaped my lips! How stupid could I be to deny him? Focusing on the screen and not my teammate..no my commander, I sighed. I hadn't noticed that my hands trembled only slightly, but they did.

"What?" His voice broke the silence of me typing.

"Athrun could you back up?" I repeated, mentally kicking myself. I had to figure this out before anything else happened. I couldn't hurt Miriallia again, until I knew what I wanted.

The other pulled away, "Fine, if you want to talk..." His voice trailed off, it full of confusion. "I'll be talking with Kira." He left as silently as he came.

I shook my head, and continued to work, on enhancing my mobile suit.

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How was it? Good? bad? Please Review , I'll try to update withing the week, I'm so sorry for the long wait. Also sorry for any grammer/spelling errors, I decided not to have my friend edit it, seeing as she was not online when I finished and I wanted it posted ASAP. 

-kena-San


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